THE COURAGE TO BE DISLIKED (Ichiro Kishimi & Fumitake Koga)

Most self-help books teach us how to become more successful or acceptable to others. The Courage to Be Disliked asks a different question: What if our continuous effort to gain everyone’s approval is itself a major reason for our unhappiness?

Based on Adlerian psychology, the book is presented as a conversation between an unhappy youth and a philosopher. Over five nights, they discuss happiness, freedom, relationships and the influence of the past. The youth raises many of the practical doubts that naturally arise in the reader’s mind.

Adlerian Psychology

Developed by Austrian psychiatrist Alfred Adler, this philosophy considers human beings socially connected and capable of choosing a new direction in life. Our past may influence us, but it need not determine our future. What matters is the meaning we give to our experiences and how we decide to move forward.

One of the book’s most powerful concepts is the separation of tasks. Doing my work sincerely is my task, while how another person evaluates me is ultimately their task. I can accept feedback, correct my mistakes and improve myself, but I cannot completely control what others think about me.

The book explains this through some thought-provoking lines:

“All problems are interpersonal relationship problems.”

“Freedom is being disliked by other people.”

“The courage to be happy also includes the courage to be disliked.”

The courage to be disliked does not mean becoming arrogant or insensitive. It means living according to our values without making our happiness completely dependent on external approval.

Application in Corporate Life

This philosophy has considerable relevance in corporate life. Review meetings, targets, comparisons, new roles and repeated instructions can create significant stress. Sometimes, we leave a meeting carrying not only its useful feedback but also its tone and negative emotions.

We may not control how a review is conducted, but we can control what we take from it. We can identify the useful inputs, correct genuine shortcomings and use our strengths to perform better. A review meeting should provide direction for our next action; it need not become a permanent judgment of our ability.This approach does not remove accountability. It helps us separate accountability from unnecessary emotional stress.

Being Normal Can Also Be Successful

This book gave me another important thought: a normal life can also be a successful and happy life.

Society constantly tells us that everyone must become extraordinary to be considered successful. But being normal does not mean that we have failed. A peaceful day, meaningful work, time spent with our family, good relationships and the ability to enjoy ordinary moments are also forms of success.

While sincerely travelling through these ordinary moments, we may or may not become extraordinary. But becoming extraordinary need not be the only measurement of a meaningful life.

The book compares life to mountaineering. If reaching the summit is the only moment that gives us happiness, the entire climb becomes merely a period of stress and waiting. Even if we fail to reach the summit, we have still been mountaineering. We have walked, struggled, learned, enjoyed the scenery and discovered our strength.

The journey matters—not merely the destination. The process is not separate from life; the process itself is life.

One passage mentioned in the book is worth reading repeatedly. These words appear in Kurt Vonnegut’s novel Slaughterhouse-Five, although they are originally part of the Serenity Prayer, generally attributed to theologian Reinhold Niebuhr:

“God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference.”

These lines beautifully connect with the book’s central philosophy. We need serenity to accept other people’s opinions, courage to improve what is within our control and wisdom to understand the difference between the two.

I do not consider The Courage to Be Disliked the best self-help book I have read. However, its central philosophy certainly offers a new dimension to our thought process.

The dialogue between the youth and the philosopher makes the book interesting, but I doubt whether this narration fully succeeds in establishing such a radical ideology. Some explanations appear too absolute, and readers may frequently question their practicability in family, social and professional life.

Still, we do not have to accept every idea to benefit from the book. It provides useful insights to reduce stress, handle criticism maturely, avoid unnecessary comparison and start believing in our own strengths. Most importantly, it makes us question whether we are living our own life or continuously performing for an audience.

The Courage to Be Disliked may not answer all our practical doubts, but it leaves us with an important lesson: We do not have to become extraordinary before allowing ourselves to feel successful and happy. Let us live our ordinary moments sincerely, improve what we can and enjoy the journey of life.

About the Authors

Ichiro Kishimi is a Japanese philosopher, counsellor and specialist in Adlerian psychology. Fumitake Koga is an award-winning writer who studied the philosophy through extensive discussions with Kishimi. Their conversations were eventually developed into the dialogue format of this book.

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My Rating: 4 out of 5

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